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Path: g2news2.google.com!news3.google.com!feeder.news-service.com!188.40.43.213.MISMATCH!feeder.eternal-september.org!eternal-september.org!not-for-mail From: "apda" <nos...@nospam.com> Newsgroups: alt.gathering.rainbow,sci.physics Subject: Obama is my hero Date: Wed, 7 Oct 2009 12:04:14 -0500 Organization: A noiseless patient Spider Lines: 307 Message-ID: <haihms$ppm$1@news.eternal-september.org> X-Trace: news.eternal-september.org U2FsdGVkX19odyjPv1Zzg7o0IT8C3ZNIO8+qD9vBJvTcvKohklzt9RlkNyCA0UVaCSKOR+dLvf4Kg1eVHlW9loowDW5Q8yAJD5UHMaowfxPPhU222Y97CHkKHPYrcWLz/KUYnnfczyJ1MZbSsVaFMw== X-Complaints-To: abuse@eternal-september.org NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 7 Oct 2009 17:04:29 +0000 (UTC) X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2900.5579 X-RFC2646: Format=Flowed; Original X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 6.00.2900.5512 X-Auth-Sender: U2FsdGVkX19kjG6I+szQ5CjcpwraNXBPz78g4keu3cE= Cancel-Lock: sha1:ZnVPpnphP3nSa4FWnH+4dT0LWHw= X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Plymouths, and I voted for Obama." Barack Obama is an old Kenyan word for Jimmy Carter. Obama doesn't want terrorists tortured. He wants to torture American taxpayers instead. Why doesn't Obama pray? It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed. New Barack Channel (NBC) Another Barack Channel (ABC) My Seriously New Barack Channel (MSNBC) What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal ccongress? An Obama nation. Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx? A. Karl Marx had way more experience. President Obama promised his wife he would take her to a Broadway Show and he did just that. Well, now you know what ya gotta do to get Barack to live up to a promise. Barack was reportedly amazed by the ahk-tors on stage. He turned to Michelle and said, "They said their lines on stage for THREE HOURS and not ONE teleprompter. WOW!" Meanwhile the two kids, Sasha and Malia, stayed home and watched HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3, with Joe Biden. Which is NOT to be confused with PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3, which is rated R due to sex and violence. President Obama called the Space Shuttle and the astronauts told him they had a bit of trouble getting the Hubble Telescope to cooperate. To which Obama replied, "Well, did you try taxing it, printing your own money and threatening it with the media?" More problems; the Space Shuttle call is NOT on Obama's calling plan and it's going to cost the taxpayers $1 trillion. Then Obama appointed Republican Governor of Utah John Huntsman ambassador to China. It's all part of Obama's plan to get ALL the republicans out of the country by the end of next year. Obama, won't you buy me a smartcar by Mercedes Benz? My friends all drive Humvees, I must make amends I work hard 'n I pay taxes, I don't pollute like my friends, Obama won't you buy me a smartcar by Mercedes Benz? Obama, won't you buy me a wide screened HD TV My bailout dollars are still tryin' t' find me! I'll wait for deliv'ry each morning 'till three Obama won't you buy me a wide screened HD TV? Obama, won't you buy me a house on the outskirts of town, With no pimps, drug addicts or whores hangin' 'round? Prove that you love me, don't make it down town! Obama, won't you buy me a house on the outskirts of town? Obama, won't you buy me a smartcar by Mercedes Benz? My friends all drive Humvees, I must make amends I work hard 'n I pay taxes, I don't pollute like my friends, Obama won't you buy me a smartcar by Mercedes Benz? Rush Limbaugh: So, Mr. President, do you believe most Americans see the "glass as half empty, or half full?" President Obama: Doesn't matter how they see it, the fact is, they just need a smaller glass. "Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit Obama's national debt." Based on his performance in office so far, President Obama should do just fine on his future tax returns. After all, he will be able to write off his second term. It's too bad that we can't buy stock in the federal tax system. With Obama as president that will be only thing sure to go up. President Obama is angrily calling for more federal tax increases. He just heard from his advisors that some American taxpayers weren't completely broke yet. The best things in life are free but President Obama's tax advisors are working hard trying to solve that problem. Barack Obama isn't planning on buying TurboTax. Obama can turbocharge our taxes all by himself. President Obama's tax return should list Bill Ayers and Reverend Wright as dependents. President Obama plans to start printing income tax forms on Kleenex, so it will be easier for us to pay through the nose. President Obama has just announced that he has a new plan to simplify the tax code. From now on only the Republicans will have to have to pay any taxes. Q. Who should be listed as the most expensive dependent on your tax return? A. President Obama. President Obama will make it a lot easier for most people to do their income taxes next year. No jobs, no income. Under Obama everyone in America will be working for the government. Democrats will be on the payrolls and Republicans will be on the tax rolls. In the interest of full disclosure, President Obama's should declare all of the fawning media coverage he's received so far as a gift on his tax return. Despite what some people are claiming, this country is just as free under the Obama presidency as it ever was . . . unless you happen to be a taxpayer. If President Obama listed free enterprise on his tax return, it would have to be listed as a liability. That's because he just writes it off. Today the IRS released new guidelines on how to avoid audits while Obama is the president. Number one - Don't list excessive deductions. Number two - File your return on time. Number three - Register to vote as a Democrat. Judging by his wild spending so far, President Obama has apparently decided that it is easier to trim the taxpayers than to trim federal spending. Don't think of it as paying more taxes. Think of it as giving Obama a big tip. Thanks to President Obama we will become a more honest people. Once we're all jobless there won't be any point in lying on our tax returns. Next year's "stimulus" tax return will fit on a postcard. President Obama intends to reward ambition. With higher taxes. Now that Obama is the President you can still get ahead if you get up early in the morning, work late every day and hit the lottery. Barack Obama's Fake Birth Certificate Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A. He's deciding which of his names (Barack Barry Hussein Obama Soetoro) to put on it. *** Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A. The ink isn't dry yet. *** Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A. Hillary Clinton won't give it back to him. *** Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A. He wants to surprise us at his swearing in. *** Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A. He accidently smoked it. *** Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate? A. It shows that he didn't have a virgin birth. *** Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate? A. It got mixed in with his Rezko mortgage records and shredded. Racist Jokes about Obama 1. If you have ever chuckled at his middle name, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. 2. If you ever ridiculed the assertion that tire gauges lower gas prices, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. 3. If you ever laughed at the claim that he campaigned in 57 states, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. 4. If you ever suggested that the "Vero Possemus" campaign signs had something to do with possums, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. 5. If you ever downloaded the video of him bowling a 37 in front of reporters, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. 6. If you ever shared the video comparing him to Paris Hilton, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. 7. If you ever cracked wise about his cocaine use, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. (Joking about Dubya's alleged cocaine use is politically correct.) 8. If you ever made fun of his big ears, you may be guilty of Obama jokes. (Joking about Perot's big ears is politically correct.) 9. If you ever said that the look on his wife's face could curdle fresh milk, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. (Joking about Cindy McCain's face is politically correct.) 10. If you ever noted that his pastor acted like he was on Def Comedy Jam, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. Popular Barack Obama Jokes Q. Why won't Obama laugh at himself? A. Because it would be racist. Q. How can you tell when Obama has been smoking dope? A. He answers the door when the phone rings. Q. Why did Obama think that he had campaigned in 57 states? A. His heavy pot use has left him a brownie short of a full pan. Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!" Bill Clinton said, "I didn't inhale." Barack Obama says, "I didn't inject." Richard Nixon said "I am not a crook!" Barack Obama says "I am not on crack!" Harry Truman said, "The buck stops here!" Barack Obama says, "Leave the bucks here!" Q. What's the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama? A. Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears. Anagrams President Barack Obama = Arab base, pink Democrat President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common? A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon. Q. Why doesn't Barack drink Pepsi? A. He thinks that things go better with coke. Q. Why wouldn't Barack salute the American flag? A. It was ours. Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack? A. He thought Barry sounded too American. Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? A: Barack Obama. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in '08 .' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health. Proof that Barack is the Obamessiah Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake. Obama created new states from out of the void. Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid for his followers. Obama came to us carried upon a donkey. Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men. Obama was stoned and yet he has risen. Obama's flock has millions of sheep. Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms. You must have no other candidates before Obama. Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it. Vote for Barack Obama Q. Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama? A. Because Jimmy didn't want to be the worst President in history. Q. Why did Senator Hillary Clinton vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he stole the primary election fair and square. Q. Why did Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama? A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead. Q. Why did Ho Chi Minh vote for Barack Obama? A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead. Q. Why did Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of George Bush jokes. Q. Why did David Letterman vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes. Q. Why did Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama? A. Because she was running out of other crazy things to do. Q. Why did Senator Ted Kennedy vote for Barack Obama? A. Brain tumor. Q. Did Senator Larry Craig vote for Barack Obama? A. He'll stalled first. Q. How did Osama Bin Laden vote for Barack Obama? A. Absentee ballot. Q. Why did Bill Ayers vote for Barack Obama? A. Bill thinks Obama's the bomb. Q. Why did sharks vote for Barack Obama? A. Professional courtesy. Obama Is So Pretty Obama is so pretty that the new symbol of the Democrat Party will be a unicorn Obama is so pretty that Bill Clinton wants to intern for him Obama is so pretty that the White House Rose Garden will need to triple in size Obama is so pretty that his anti-matter version is James Carville Obama is so pretty that his supporters think that he's smart Obama is so pretty that he won't ride in Ted Kennedy's car Obama is so pretty that he would be a 10 if his Daddy owned a liquor store Obama is so pretty that he would even look good in a Hillary pantsuit Obama is so pretty that when he goes to Iraq he has to wear a Burka Obama is so pretty that he gives John Edwards makeup tips Obama is so pretty that his mirror on the wall was struck speechless Obama is so pretty that he can wear white after labor day 本科
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